Coffee & Thoughts
by Lucinda
Summary: A series of short fics inspired by the S2 quote: You're going to live forever, and you don't have time for a cup of coffee'  W/A friendship.  Series now completed.
1. the Importance of Coffee

The Importance of Coffee  
  
Author: Lucinda  
story # 1 in Coffee & Thoughts series  
rating: pg  
Willow/Angel friendship, mention of the B/A tension  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from BtVS  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, WillAngel, WWW, WLS, NHA, Soulmates others please ask  
Set season 2, after Reptile Boy.  
  
  
He could still hear her words, echoing inside his head. 'And you! You're going to live forever, and you don't have time for a cup of coffee?' She had shown so much fire, anger and this... vibrancy that he had never imagined her capable of. She has yelled at both him and Giles, furious with them about their treatment of Buffy. Giles for pushing her too hard as the Slayer, and himself for... not having coffee. For not being the boyfriend that Buffy wanted him to be. For not having the time for the lovely blond. It had sounded as if Willow blamed him for Buffy going to that Frat party. With the snake creature in the basement that they were sacrificing girls to, in exchange for influence, power, and financial success. Had it been his fault that she had gone? Had he had some influencing factor? Could his refusal of coffee been so important, so far reaching?  
  
'...don't have time for a cup of coffee?'  
  
She was such an amazing influence on everyone that saw her. She saw the best in people, and somehow made people want to be the person that she saw in them. People wanted to live up to her image of them. Somehow, the coffee thing was important, and he had failed to measure up.  
  
Perhaps... he could talk to her? Ask her to explain the importance of the cup of coffee, to understand why she had been so upset about it. She could help him understand the mystery. Maybe even the cryptic smile that Buffy had shown when he did offer to get coffee with her. He felt as if he was treading over something important and only half understood. Maybe he was obsessing...  
  
Yes, he would ask her, perhaps tonight if she was at the library. Willow might even be less angry now, although if she still seemed mad, he could always try to talk to her later. Good, he had a plan. Willow would most likely be the best person, possibly the only person to ask about this. She knew that he had been out of touch with society, and wouldn't look at him as if he were some sort of freak or monster for not understanding these things. Even if both terms could be applied to him.  
  
Shaking his head slightly, he slipped between the shelves in the library, feeling grateful for the large dark room, built without windows to protect the books from direct sunlight. It enabled him to be in the library during the day. He could smell her, apple body wash and raspberry hand lotion, and he heard the sound of her fingers tapping at the keys of the computer. Concentrating, he checked for the presence of any other people, discovering to his surprise and relief that the library held only Willow.  
  
"Is there a big menace that nobody mentioned to me?" He spoke from right behind her, close enough that his breath tickled her ear.  
  
Willow jumped, her heartbeat racing, and half spun in her chair, eyes wide with nervous surprise. She calmed down somewhat when she discovered that it was him, settling back onto the chair. "You startled me."  
  
Giving him a hesitant smile, and a gesture towards one of the chairs, she spoke again. "The only big problem that I'm battling tonight is an English paper. Xander avoids the library if possible, Giles is off with Miss Calendar, and I have no idea where Buffy is. So, here I am, one out of seventy four students chosen to turn in a paper on Othello for Mrs.. Meier's english class. It's actually kind of nice not to be referencing pictures of icksome monsters and the coroner's site for the most recent bodies."  
  
Angel gave a small smile in response to her comment, briefly wondering how she had become so used to researching for Buffy and Giles. "I wanted to ask you a few things. About coffee, and why it's such a big deal."  
  
Willow tried to smother a giggle behind her hand, only partly succeeding. "I suppose things have changed a bit for you. I mean, I don't think coffee houses were featured everywhere when you were alive, and I know vampires don't think of coffee the same way that mortals do... ummm, how do I explain this? Maybe... where do you want me to start?"  
  
Angel sighed, considering the truth of her words. "Can you help me figure out exactly what asking someone to coffee is supposed to mean? What is it supposed to accomplish? What does it gain?"  
  
She was smiling at him again, this teasing, knowing smile... when did Willow get a knowing smile? What did she think she knew about him?  
  
"You were the sort of guy that mother's warned their daughter's about, weren't you? The sort that was after... umm... not commitment." She was still smiling.  
  
"I wouldn't have thought that would still show... what makes you think that?"  
  
"It's in the way that you phrased your questions. What does it gain... you make it sound like a formula for getting women into bed. First, A, then B, then a few more steps, and then you get sex. And umm... I just realized that that is so entirely none of my business..." Now, she was blushing, her fingers running through her hair as if trying to hide behind it.  
  
"Well, I was. I was actually a rather lazy drunken lay about with a taste for loose women. But I know things are different now. And I'm not the same as I was then. Which leaves me rather... baffled."  
  
"Baffled. Okay, I suppose I can clear up a few things for you. Let's say that you are a guy, who's interested in a girl. You see her, she's pretty, and you want to get to know her better. You find out her name. You go over, and let's say that you can actually talk to this girl. You say something like 'Hi there, Kelly. Would you like to go out for coffee?' and if you're lucky, she says yes, because otherwise there's rejection, and pain, and let's not go there." Willow gestured with her hands as she sketched out the little scene.  
  
"So... I have a coffee date with the pretty girl. What then?"  
  
"It's not quite a date. More of a pre-date experience. It lets you talk to someone a bit more privately than, say, dancing at the Bronze. It also tells Kelley that you're a little bit interested in her, and she's a bit interested in you if she says yes. It sort of lets you evaluate someone as a potential date without it being a a real date, because people go out for coffee with their friends all the time, so there's no pressure."  
  
"A pre-date. So, it would be more like, offering a pretty girl some wildflowers to see if she might be interested?" Angel was trying to understand. "And it's safer, because if she isn't what I want, there's no serious commitment?"  
  
"Yeah. But it's considered rude to plan to meet for coffee and just not show. Other than that, no commitment. So, you have coffee with Kelley, and discover that you can't stand her, and never want to be anywhere near alone with her again. Everything's okay, and you don't have to have anything to do with her like that again. So, you see Gina, and ask Gina for coffee. You have fun talking to Gina, and you want to meet her again. Maybe you eventually move on to lunch... or, I guess, normal guys would, not that you aren't normal, well except for the whole vampire thing... umm... I think I'll just stop now." Willow was crimson by the end of her words, babbling at full speed.  
  
Angel smiled, certain that Willow hadn't intended any insult to him. She had simply gotten so caught up with her explanation of the whole coffee thing, that she had forgotten that he was a vampire. Not the worst thing that could have happened. "So.. in that case, would you like to have coffee with me on Saturday?"  
  
Willow gasped, her expression one of surprise. After a pause, she spoke. "I probably shouldn't... I'm supposed to avoid caffeine, but... I'd love to."  
  
"Great. I'll see you then." Smiling slightly, Angel left the library.  
  
end Importance of Coffee. 


	2. A Cup of Coffee

A Cup of Coffee  
  
Author: Lucinda  
  
story # 2 in Coffee & Thoughts series  
  
rating: pg  
  
Willow/Angel friendship  
  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from BtVS  
  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, WillAngel, WWW, WLS, NHA, Soulmates others please ask  
  
She had agreed to meet Angel for coffee. What had she been thinking? Angel was Buffy's boyfriend, or, sort of boyfriend. At the very least, Buffy wanted him to be her boyfriend. Which should mean that Willow should leave Angel alone.  
  
Except... Angel was too alone. Besides, it wasn't really a date, they would just be having coffee, maybe talking a bit. It wasn't as if she were stealing him away from Buffy. Did Buffy even have Angel? Buffy wanted to have Angel. Would her friend be angry that she was having coffee with Angel and Buffy wasn't? But then, shouldn't Buffy had set a date for her and Angel to have coffee instead of just saying that she would think about it?  
  
Willow sighed in frustration, and collapsed backwards onto her bed. She gave herself headaches trying to figure out why people did or didn't do things. She could follow the theory, but when it came to deciphering a particular person, then things got tricky. Buffy didn't actually make sense overall. She was chosen to defend people from horrible things that people didn't believe existed. She was convinced that this made her special, that the normal rules didn't, shouldn't apply to her. Then, she would turn around and claim that she wanted a 'normal life'. The two simply weren't compatible. Buffy couldn't have things both ways.  
  
Coffee with Angel. She had agreed to meet him for coffee, to spend time talking with him. Smiling, Willow let her mind wander to the possibilities, however unlikely. She was smiling and by the time the actual time came for their cup of coffee, she was looking forward to things, even if it ended up being no more than an hour or so in the quiet company of a handsome man.  
  
She made her way to the coffee house, loitering in wait for Angel, who showed up about twenty minutes later. Smiling, Willow gave a small wave, which enabled Angel to find her.  
  
"Hey. Umm... are you sure that coffee would be a good idea?" Angel's voice was a bit quite, and he sounded as if he was on the edge of brooding.  
  
Willow blinked, her mind momentarily drawing a blank as to why coffee might be a problem for Angel, then realizing that it might not set well in his system, considering that he was a vampire. Could vampires even drink coffee? "Go ahead and get some, if nothing else it will warm up your hands to hold a hot cup of coffee."  
  
Angel seemed to turn the idea over in his mind, and gave a slight nod, as if coming to a decision. He went to the counter, and returned with a steaming cup of coffee, the scent carrying a hint of almond to it, exactly like hers smelled. Giving her an almost smile, he slid into the seat across from her, his hands both wrapped around the coffee mug.  
  
His expression was almost blissful. "Warm... oh, that feels so good. I can't remember how long it's been..."  
  
That didn't make a lot of sense to Willow. This was California, how cold could he have been? "Angel? Why would it be a long time since... since your hands felt warm?"  
  
"Basic biology, how is body heat spread through the body?" Angel's eyes seemed so intent, as if this was something that she should already know.  
  
"Well... um, digestion and the chemical breakdowns create an exothermic reaction, causing heat, which is regulated by the blood flow... oh. So, umm... bad circulation means you feel cold?" She should have known that, really, it was only logical. And since he was dead, he wouldn't have any circulation. How did he keep from clotting? And that was just a gross thought. Maybe it was the lack of air contact?  
  
"Exactly. With most, " He glanced around, and his mood almost visibly dimmed as he was reminded of all the people around them. "A hot, fresh meal brings in the temperature, and we... they feel warm, for a while. Part of the whole appeal, that and the emotional rush, the feelings in the blood..." His voice trailed off, and he looked as if he was brooding again.  
  
"I suppose that makes sense... hold the coffee, the heat will seep into your hands. Part of the appeal of hot cocoa in the winter and fall, having it warm up cold hands. Warms from the inside out if you drink it, which I'm not sure if you can, with your assorted food allergies." She could feel the babbling begin. Oh dear, oh dear, the last thing she needed to do was babble at Angel.  
  
Angel raised the cup, inhaling the fragrant steam, his eyes partly closed, reminding Willow of a big cat smelling something interesting. She almost expected him to growl playfully and bat at... whoa, come back from there. Angel is not a cat. Carefully, he took a small sip, letting it roll around in his mouth, tasting the flavor, memorizing it, letting the heat soak into his mouth before sliding down his body.  
  
"I think... I can drink a little. Maybe I'll just have to take a little while it's hot, pass the cup to you, and get another hot cup?"  
  
"Are you teasing me? I'm really not supposed to have a lot of coffee... but... Angel, you need a friend. Since nobody else seems to want the job, I'm volunteering. As your friend, I will cheerfully help you come to know the joys of coffee."  
  
They spent the next two hours talking about music and history, drinking hot coffee and gesturing for emphasis. It was amazing how much more normal he looked when he wasn't brooding, or lurking in a shadow somewhere.  
  
She hadn't known that it could be so fun to spend time with Angel. "Maybe we should do this again some time. Hey, Angel? Do you still feel cold?"  
  
"No. I feel pretty good, actually. I'd like to have coffee with you again."  
  
Smiling, Willow bounced to her feet, the caffeine leaving her feeling hyper. "Wonderful. Anytime should be good, unless we have a big research going on... You're a lot nicer than people think." She gave him an impulsive, quick hug before practically dancing out the door, feeling all skittery and giddy inside.  
  
end Cup of Coffee. 


	3. Bitter Brew

Bitter Brew  
  
Author: Lucinda  
  
story # 3 in Coffee & Thoughts series  
  
rating: pg, pg 13 for intense brooding  
  
Willow/Angel friendship, B/A longing  
  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from BtVS  
  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, WillAngel, WWW, WLS, NHA, Soulmates others please ask  
  
It had been nearly a week since he'd had coffee with Willow. Since she'd helped him discover a safe way to bring warmth into his body, to feel for a brief while as if he were almost human. To know that if he touched someone, they would not flinch from his corpse cold hands. To feel as if his hands didn't carry a visible stain from all the blood that he'd shed. A week where the burden of his guilt had been eased, all because of Willow.  
  
He found himself wondering what Willow was doing. Not with the same tormented longing that marked his thoughts of Buffy, but with a lighter feeling. His thoughts of Buffy were full of intense and occasionally conflicting passions, raging desires, to kiss her, to slash open that smooth skin... to offer her pleasure or break the bones of her body. Willow didn't inspire that tormented mix. Willow was like the first rain of the spring: sometimes bracing, unpredictable, and soothing. Willow soothed him, made him feel accepted. He didn't feel like he had to pretend around her.  
  
His curiosity had always lead him into trouble. It had lead him to every pub within twenty miles of his home, into houses of gambling and loose women, it had lead him to Darla. Now, it had lured him to the high school, the place that should have both of the women filling his thoughts. Buffy, the woman who filled his mind like a blazing fire, and Willow, who was something else, like the subtle colors of the sunrise.  
  
"Willow! How much coffee have you been drinking? You're almost bouncing off the walls, and you aren't even moving!" Buffy's voice carried, her confident, and currently almost scolding tones carrying to his ears.  
  
"I haven't... well, only one cup today. And that was before I even came in, it was with my breakfast, so it shouldn't be causing problems for anyone now, except that you think I'm bouncing in my seat. Giles, do you think I'm bouncing? Because I thought I was hacking into the coroner's database again, not bouncing on the walls, although she meant that figuratively and not literally... I'm babbling again." Willow's words sounded faster than normal, and she was babbling. Rather like she had been by the end of their coffee last week.  
  
"No more coffee for the Will-ster. Makes you babble." That could only be Xander Harris.  
  
"Definite babbling. Got anything that will help us make an identification? How will I slay without figuring out what the baddie is?"  
  
"Most things, if you stab the heart and cut off the head, it stays dead. Effective on a wide variety of things. What's stalking people now?"  
  
Buffy began to explain about the large greenish creature that she had encountered on patrol last night. The thing had a row of spines down it's back, and smelled 'like old footballs'.  
  
He found himself loosing the detail of her words as he memorized the line of her cheek, the shine of her hair. Buffy smelled like peaches and lip gloss and nail polish.  
  
"... so I was wondering if maybe you could help me kill this thing?"  
  
Her last words dragged Angel out of his contemplations. Right, could he help her kill the demon? He tried to remember if she had given any important details of the demon.  
  
"I don't think that would be wise, actually. Based on the wounds of the victims and the description you gave me, I've identified the demon in question. Interestingly enough, it's a carrion feeder, of a subclass that normally only feeds on flesh that has been decomposing for a while. However, this particular species can accelerate the decay of once living organic matter, err... dead things, and according to the information, vampires are on the list of dead things. If the slime on it's body comes into contact with Angel, he will begin to decay. I imagine it would be very unpleasant experience. The slime also causes a high rate of infection if it comes into contact with a wound on a living person."  
  
"Oh, so if it finds something that hasn't been dead long enough, it can speed things up in time for dinner, and if interrupted, it can slice you, slime you, and rest assured that you'll probably get an infection and die? That way it can have you as dinner next week? That's... gross." Willow's words summed up Giles' warning quite accurately.  
  
"Let me give that a big eeeuuuw. Angel, change of plans, you stay away from this demon. Willow, I want you to stay somewhere safe as well. So, Giles, how do I kill this thing?" Buffy's voice was firm, leaving no room for discussion or question. She had shifted from Buffy the young woman to Buffy the Slayer.  
  
"Right. Away from the demon. 'Kay, I'll just... go now. Bye Giles." Willow stood up, her eyes seeming very bright, the faint hint of salt in her scent betraying how close she must be to tears. She picked up her backpack and began her way across the library towards the door.  
  
Angel felt something twist inside, looking at Willow. She looked almost lost, and definitely miserable. He couldn't let her go out into the streets like that, something would gobble her up like a chocolate chip cookie. He moved to intercept, and then began to follow her, slightly behind and to the right.  
  
"So, we're not invited to tonight's playtime. How about coffee instead?" The words were a soft murmur, barely loud enough for Willow to hear.  
  
She paused, allowing Angel to catch up to her, her expression startled. "I... sure, why not? Better than my other options."  
  
"What would those options that I'm saving you from even be?" He could feel that troublesome curiosity kicking in again.  
  
"Well, I could start on next weeks geometry homework. Or try to hack into the Watcher's Council database for some information that Giles thinks they have about this one book of prophecies. Or I could work on this software program that I want to finish... and that sounds really boring, doesn't it?" Her expression fell, as if her life suddenly looked bleak and empty before her.  
  
"How about instead... I have to confess, I've been hunting out coffee shops in the past week. I found this interesting little place, coffee and poetry. We can go there, warm ourselves up, listen to poetry, and just... chat. Sound better?" A small part of him was hoping that she would say yes. He almost felt like he was becoming addicted to coffee this past week, the warmth seeping into him, the people all around him... and the taste wasn't bad either.  
  
"I've converted you to the Java cult? oh, that's cool! I've never been responsible for a conversion before... Poetry and coffee does sound better. Lead on, dark knight." Smiling, she offered her arm, as if they were characters in a play.  
  
They wandered over to the little coffee shop he'd found. It was in a converted building, with no windows. The inside seemed a bit dark, and there was a fine haze of smoke. The room was also quite warm, and Angel could feel himself relaxing in the warmth. They got cups of coffee from the long, bar-like counter, and found a small table in the corner, presumably empty because of the dark shadows covering it, hiding them from the rest of the building.  
  
"I probably shouldn't be here. This is my guilty pleasure. Coffee..." Her expression as she drank was so blissful. It made him think that maybe Willow would understand if he explained about the other reasons why vampires drank blood, the ones that moved beyond simple hunger.  
  
"Why should you feel guilty for drinking coffee? What harm could it possibly do?"  
  
She glanced at the table, the gesture making her hair fall around her face, as if she were trying once more to hide. Her words were quiet, with an almost apologetic tone. "The caffeine makes me a bit... hyper. Then, I tend to talk faster, maybe a bit more than the rest of the time. I gesture more, and fidget... I get a bit twitchy and jumpy sometimes."  
  
"If you talk more, that might put you near the level of people like Buffy and Cordelia, neither of which have trouble talking. As for gesturing more... you have very expressive gestures, and people have been communicating with gestures for a very very long time." He reached out, lifting her chin with a gently finger, looking directly into tear-bright green eyes. "You don't need to feel guilty about your coffee. Take it from an expert on guilt."  
  
"So you think I don't have enough reason to feel guilty about it? And no brooding?" There was a hint of amusement trying to climb over the sorrow in her voice.  
  
"No. Definitely no brooding... you're much to pretty for it." Where did that come from? He wasn't quite certain what had prompted the nearly flirting portion, and decided to blame it on his demon.  
  
She blushed, one hand tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "So you expect me to just sit here and watch you practice your brooding? Which you do pretty good at, by the way? No way, we're friends now... sort of, mostly... umm, friends don't let friends drink and brood."  
  
"I thought that was friends don't let friends drink and drive?"  
  
"Well, mostly it is. But you don't have an alcohol problem, you have a brooding problem. Are there twelve step programs for brooding? Brooders Anonymous meetings?" Her eyes were filled with questions. Maybe he wasn't the only one with too much curiosity.  
  
"Willow... you are just... I can't find the words for you. I brood because of everything in my past, all the things I did before... because of Angelus." Why was she suggesting he should stop brooding? Weren't his offenses so terrible that he deserved to suffer? Hadn't he committed unforgivable crimes?  
  
"Okay, Angel. I'm going to try to use psychology on you. Were you, Angel, the fairly nice guy who is safe and helpful there when Angelus did scary bad things? Did you know what he was doing?" There was a determined intensity to her eyes. He recognized the look: she had given herself a mission.  
  
"no... I saw Darla in the alley, and the next thing I knew, I was by the gypsies, and I started to remember... horrible things." Where was she going with this? What point could this serve?  
  
"So, this proves that you are not the same as Angelus. Yes, he's there, but there are two separate minds and sets of motives, desires, and reasoning. Are you still following me?"  
  
Angel nodded, watching her eyes sparkle with intensity. She was attempting to convince him that he wasn't Angelus. "But, he's still here. I... I can hear him sometimes, whispering suggestions, things he'd like to do to people."  
  
"Are they always the same reactions to people and situations that you Angel have?" She sipped at her coffee, her eyes locked with his.  
  
"There are occasional overlaps, but not, they aren't the same. Some things that I'm interested in bore him almost to tears, like French films, and some of my preferred poets. He has other things that he'd prefer." He couldn't believe that he was sitting here with Willow, almost discussing Angelus' preferences for behavior and entertainment.  
  
"So, you aren't the same, and you've admitted it." Her eyes held a gleam, as if she had sighted victory.  
  
"But he still did horrible things, used my face and memories to hurt people I cared for. Left a trail of violence and destruction..." He could feel himself slipping into a brooding state as he contemplated the bloody past he had.  
  
"And you couldn't stop him. You weren't there. You're here now, so you can keep him from going... overboard. And umm... maybe he could learn a bit of restraint from you?" Her words ended on such a hopeful note.  
  
There could only be one meaning for her words. But the idea was so hard to wrap his mind around. "You're telling me that you don't think I'm entitled to brooding as much as I do?"  
  
"Pretty much. So, will you... could you maybe try to brood less? If nothing else, it's hard to brood when you're on a caffeine high." Her gentle smile was like a memory of summer sunshine, warm and comforting and safe.  
  
"I can try."  
  
end Bitter Brew. 


	4. Cup of Vision

Author: Lucinda  
story # 4 in Coffee & Thoughts series  
rating: pg  
Willow/Angel friendship, mention of Willow's crush on Xander  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from BtVS  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, WillAngel, WWW, WLS, NHA, Soulmates others please ask  
  
  
Willow was sitting at a table, stirring her coffee to death. She almost thought that she could see it getting colder as she stirred. She kept stirring, pondering life, the universe, and male blindness. Xander hadn't noticed that she wasn't one of the guys.  
  
He hadn't noticed that she was female, that she had grown and... developed at the same time as the girls like Cordelia and Harmony. He's noticed that they'd developed. He'd noticed Buffy. He didn't have a clue that she had, and he had even less of a clue that she had a huge crush on him. What did it take to get a guy to notice you?  
  
A dark shadow fell over her, making it had to see her coffee. Looking up, she saw Angel standing there, a mug of steaming coffee firmly in his hands, and an almost smile on his face. He settled into the seat across from her, looking at her as if trying to decipher her expression.  
  
"Are you brooding, red? Didn't we talk about that last week?"  
  
Remembering their conversation, Willow gave a little smile. Angel had told her that she didn't talk to much, and that she shouldn't feel guilty over coffee. "Did you get back from Brooders Anonymous?"  
  
He sighed, looking into his coffee in an effort to hide the twitching of his lips as he almost smiled. "Tonight's meeting was canceled. So, what did your coffee do that you're beating it like that?"  
  
"It was a naughty cup... well, actually I was just sort of... considering life and how X... I mean, how guys can just not notice things." A sudden thought occurred to her. Angel was a guy... most definitely a guy. Maybe he could help her figure something out.  
  
"Considering guys missing something in particular or just not seeing in general?"  
  
She sighed, and took a swallow of her coffee, which was now simply warm instead of hot. "Not noticing me. Why doesn't... why don't guys notice me, Angel? I thought, since you are a guy, maybe you could help me figure it out..."  
  
"I assume you are mainly thinking of the guys around your age?" He was looking at her, probably remembering the disastrous frat party that Buffy and Cordelia had attended.  
  
"Yeah. And it isn't like I'm trying to find the magic outfit to make mister cute fall madly in love with me. I just... if he doesn't see me, I'll never have a chance." Why didn't Xander see her? Was he so blinded by the Buffy's and Cordelia's of the world that she was invisible? If she could get him to notice that she was a young woman now, maybe... maybe she would have a chance.  
  
"I can remember being a young man. Most young men have no patience. If it isn't right there in the open, or at least unmistakably obvious, guys won't see it. Most young guys won't look past loose clothing to figure that there's a pretty girl inside, they're too distracted by little black skirts and shirts showing cleavage." He had a look that spoke of reminiscence, that whispered that he was contemplating his own youth.  
  
"So if they can't see it, it isn't there?" Willow felt frustration swell, overtaking the melancholy and self pity that she'd been wallowing in.  
  
"If it isn't in the open, they won't see it. That doesn't mean that you aren't pretty. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever notice." He put his hand out, resting coffee-warmed fingers on the back of her hand.  
  
She looked at his hand resting on hers, his fingers hot from the coffee mug, and gave a small smile, silently acknowledging the other hopeless crush that had slipped into her heart. Angel was gorgeous, and nice, and smart... and had his thing with Buffy. Maybe her problem was that all the guys around just wanted Buffy? Would she finally be noticed if Buffy were gone? Her words were a soft whisper. "Thanks for the vote of encouragement."  
  
"Have a little faith, or maybe patience. Sooner or later, he'll see how great you are."  
  
She felt herself wince a bit. Had it been that obvious? Did everyone but Xander know about her crush? "What if he doesn't figure it out before I'm seventy years old with fake teeth and blue hair?"  
  
Angel just smiled, laughter making his eyes bright. "Someone will notice long before then. I promise. Maybe someone better than Xander."  
  
Willow tried to smile, seeing the logic behind Angel's words. But she didn't want just some random person. She wanted... well, her crush on Xander was safe, he wasn't involved with anyone right now.  
  
She got a fresh cup of coffee, and chatted with Angel about general things. Eventually, she managed to convince him to tell her some about his travels in China. Not so much the details of what he was doing if he didn't want, but about the buildings, and the shops, and what sort of things a person would see on a street. It was fascinating to hear about far away places.  
  
While she listened, a corner of her mind pondered things. She had asked Angel what it took to get a guy to notice her. Put his answer together with Buffy trying to convince her to let her friend pick out a costume... maybe she could get Xander to notice her this year.  
  
After a while, something occurred to her. Angel and Buffy had their... whatever going on, how much did they talk? Did they talk about their childhoods? The places they'd gone? "Angel? Do you and Buffy talk about the past? Maybe about the future?"  
  
"No. She... Buffy doesn't want to know about how things used to be. How I used to be."  
  
"What, she's just going to pretend that you aren't... Does she think that if she doesn't talk about it, it isn't real?" Willow had wondered about the relationship between the two. Where they trying to build a future?  
  
"She doesn't want to think about my past. I don't think she dwells on the future very much either."  
  
"That's rather sad. I mean, it's the past that makes you who you are today." How could they build a future without facing the past?  
  
"I'm not sure we can have much of a future anyhow." His voice sounded so sad... as if the thought hurt.  
  
"But, if you love her, shouldn't you be able to try? I mean, can't you find some way to make it work?" Surely Buffy would be willing to make a few compromises? Wouldn't it be worth it for someone like Angel? If he were hers, she'd definitely be willing to compromise.  
  
"I... I'm not sure quite how I feel. She's wonderful... brave and pretty and confident. But I'm not sure how much... how I feel." He looked uncomfortable, as if talking about his feeling made him uncomfortable.  
  
"Well, maybe you can figure it out." She smiled at him, knowing that Buffy wanted to impress Angel with her costume. She'd also found herself borrowing one of the histories from Giles Watcher chronicles. There had been information about his past, and she really wanted to read through it after Buffy had figured out Halloween.  
  
end Cup of Vision 


	5. A Cup of Dreams

Author: Lucinda  
  
story # 5 in Coffee & Thoughts series  
  
rating: pg 13  
  
Willow/Angel friendship, mention of the B/A tension  
  
Disclaimer: I own nobody from BtVS  
  
Distribution: Bite Me, please?, WillAngel, WWW, WLS, NHA, Soulmates others please ask  
  
Halloween had been... quite different from what he'd expected. For decades, he'd known that Halloween was a quiet time, supernaturally speaking. Things didn't really happen very often, vampires and demons tended not to cause trouble, and it generally allowed the mortal people to have a good time. A vampire could stay inside, relax, and have a nice night in with the family, having family bondage... err, bonding time.  
  
That hadn't been what had happened.  
  
Some foolish and impulsive wizard that Giles knew, Ethan cloud or rain or something like that, had cast a spell, making deliberate use of the fact that everyone would be in costumes. He'd managed to make a large portion of the population become their costumes, become real soldiers or demons or robots. Xander had become a soldier, showing an astonishing sudden talent for shooting things and for proper military form. He had still grated on his nerves and made his teeth itch. Buffy... she'd looked lovely in the pampered, dainty manner of the noblewomen of his era, a lovely example of someone whose whole life was devoted to being pretty and attracting a powerful husband. She hadn't been the Slayer, she'd been a helpless, terrified lady. She'd been breath-takingly beautiful and incredibly, frustratingly helpless at the same time. He'd been reminded of his mortal days, when he'd been expected to marry an heiress and manage everything but the social entertaining. He shuddered at the memory, for once glad that he'd been turned into a vampire.  
  
Then there was Willow. She'd left him stunned breathless in an entirely different way. He had no idea what to call that little outfit, with a tight short black skirt, and a little wrap around shirt that showed cleavage and a nicely toned stomach. She had looked amazingly tempting, and the way she'd had her hair pulled up, a few tendrils falling to brush the sides of her neck... he'd never expected Willow to look so delicious. And she'd been a ghost, entirely untouchable in the most literal fashion.  
  
No doubt she'd wanted Xander to notice her. He remembered his own words to her 'they're too distracted by little black skirts and shirts showing cleavage.' That little black skirt and cleavage showing shirt had certainly made him notice. Willow wasn't just pretty, she was stunning. He also had no doubt that the one idiot she'd most wanted to impress hadn't noticed. Clearly, Harris was entirely blind, and without hope for the future.  
  
If he'd had such a lovely and intelligent lass after him in his mortal days... but nobody that smart would have wanted a drunken skirt chasing lout. There had been a reason that the good girls had avoided him, after all.  
  
He shook his head, trying to banish the image of long pale legs, of firm breasts accented by russet fabric, of green eyes made smokey and mysterious. Willow wasn't.. she wasn't some exotic temptress, come to bring him intensely passionate ideas and dreams. Surely, if she ever found out about the dream he'd had of her after seeing her in that outfit... well, he doubted her reaction would be friendly.  
  
Glancing up, the first thing he noticed was a pair of jewel green eyes, looking over the room from the shadows. Willow had arrived early, sitting in the corner where she could watch the room. He gave a wholly unneeded sigh of relief when he saw that she was in more normal clothing, a light blue sweater that only exposed her neck. Such a slender, pretty neck it was, and her pulse would be so easy to find... With a small wince, he made a mental note to be sure to feed BEFORE coffee with Willow in the future.  
  
Angel got them both cups of hot coffee before going to the table, sliding one cup over to her as he settled into the chair. "Evening. How did your Halloween go?" No, why did I bring that up? I'm trying to pretend I didn't see... no remembering long pale legs, mounds of smooth breasts...  
  
She smiled faintly, her eyes momentarily darkening with some emotion, a frown tugging at her lips as she pulled the cup of coffee over, sipping at it before speaking. "It didn't go like I'd thought it would. Most of the people I've run into are repressing the whole thing... and a lot of the people who got their costumes at Ethan's really don't seem to be able to remember. But I do. I remember everything..."  
  
She looked almost sad, as if there had been something he'd missed to ruin things for her. Had it been Xander, the soldier he'd become that had snapped at Lady Buffy, and ogled Cordelia in her cat-print costume? "Why?"  
  
"I wanted him to notice me. But all he could see before was Buffy, in the fancy gown and the corset... did the women then really wear those things? Is that why they had such tiny waists? Then he was so busy staring at Cordelia... I think the only person who actually noticed was Giles, and I think he disapproved most strongly, and was too British to say anything." She was slowly stirring a package of sugar into the coffee, measuring the grains out as if it were some precise experiment.  
  
The words came out before he could stop them. "I noticed. You looked... delicious."  
  
She was staring at him, her mouth open in surprise. Literally speechless, she closed her mouth and made a few hand gestures, accidentally spilling sugar over the table in her startlement.  
  
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said..." Looking into the murky depths of his coffee, Angel hoped that he hadn't just ruined the one friendship he had. He most definitely didn't want Willow afraid that he was going to eat her for dinner one night. "I meant... you looked good. Very good... I didn't know you had such long legs."  
  
"Angel, it's okay. I mean, it's not like I took that to mean I'm on the menu, but that's a compliment, right? I mean... umm... sort of like the wolf in those old Warner Brothers cartoons doing the tongue-rolling, eye-popping thing, right?" She was blushing, but looking right at me.  
  
For a moment, all he could do was stare at her. She didn't take it as being on the menu? If it weren't for the soul... She had no idea how close she had been to being on the menu. Although, Angel had no idea what this wolf she was mentioning was. "Wolf? I think... I missed those cartoons. But yes, it was a compliment. You looked amazing that night, although you look a bit more... comfortable now."  
  
She smiled, her eyes like laughing stars. "Well, the skirt was a bit tight, and those heels were evil. You'll have to come over sometime, I'll show you those cartoons."  
  
Invite me, and I'd follow you anywhere, Red, Angel thought. Knowing you, it would be an interesting and entirely unexpected trip that wouldn't go at all according to my expectations. "So... you watch cartoons? How old are you again?" He tried for a bit of teasing, wanting to lighten the sudden feeling of tension, part of him wondering if the tension was all in his imagination.  
  
"Silly, not all cartoons are for little kids. The older Warner Brothers and Looney Tunes were just full of all sorts of things aimed at adults. Political jokes, literary references... all sorts of interesting stuff."  
  
He felt relieved that he hadn't damaged the friendship they'd been building. She didn't seem to realize that to a vampire, saying that someone looked delicious was far more than a mere compliment, it was quite firmly in the range of flirting. He wasn't quite certain why he was flirting with Willow, she had her crush on Xander, and he loved Buffy. But if she didn't even realize that he was flirting a little, what harm had it done? As long as she didn't find out about that dream... merciful God, please don't let her find out about that dream. He had the feeling that it would be a long time before he saw Willow quite the same as he had before. But as long as she never learned... things would stay the same, or as close as they could on the Hellmouth.  
  
"I'll have to watch them then. But, Willow? Promise me, please... try to be careful. I wouldn't eat you, but... there are others who might try. I don't want anything bad to happen to you." He tried to keep his mind from the vivid images that his Freudian slip had conjured. He had to stop thinking about that dream, about Willow in that little skirt!  
  
end A Cup of Dreams 


	6. Can You afFord

Can you afFord...  
  
Author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg  
  
story 6 in Coffee & Thoughts  
  
main characters: Willow, Angel  
  
disclaimer: I do not own them  
  
distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.  
  
spoilers for S2 episode Lie to Me  
  
Willow really shouldn't have been quite so surprised to see Angel moving through the crowds of people at the Bronze. But, for some reason, it did surprise her. Maybe it was because Buffy was currently chatting with the guy that she had introduced as Ford, someone that she'd known in elementary school. Buffy had seemed so normal, so cheerful, that for a few moments, Willow had nearly forgotten that her friend was the Slayer.  
  
"Who's that talking to Buffy?" Angel's voice was right near her, a soft murmur into her ear, nearly drowned by the background noises that filled the club.  
  
Willow gave a small shrug, hoping to convey how much she didn't know. "Some guy that Buffy used to go to school with. She called him Ford... I think she had a crush on him."  
  
She felt more than saw Angel nod. Then he moved towards the laughing Slayer, his back seeming awfully tense. As he stalked closer, Willow wondered if she had just heard him growl, and if Angel had any idea how jealous he seemed to be.  
  
Willow watched as Angel talked with Buffy, his dark eyes so expressive that even from over here she could tell that he was worried that he had a rival for Buffy's affections. She could also see Xander talking to Ford, but she couldn't get a good look at either of their faces. Part of her wanted to know what they were saying, what they were talking about. Except that she was the smart one, she could guess.  
  
Buffy. And what was going on between Buffy and Angel, and Buffy and Ford.  
  
Willow sighed, knowing that any chance of just enjoying a simple, happy evening at the Bronze had been shot to pieces. It might have survived the arrival of one of Buffy's admirers, but not Xander with his crush on Buffy, Ford that Buffy used to have a crush on, AND Angel, who had this... thing with Buffy.   
  
Buffy was so busy smiling at Angel and Ford that she would never notice if Willow left. Xander was glaring at Angel and Ford, so he wouldn't notice if she left. With a sad little sigh, Willow left the Bronze.  
  
She could be at home doing her Geometry instead of here watching Buffy and her admirers. She could go home and watch the History Channel. She could... well, this was the extent of her current social options. Looked like she would be going home. What staggering amounts of fun tonight had turned out to be.  
  
She went home, immersing herself into the simple, easily understood world of geometry, trying to convince herself that she wasn't jealous of Buffy. That it didn't hurt and sting and burn at her insides that all the guys noticed Buffy and wanted her, while she was merely the study buddy, the last resort when failing classes. Buffy was the sought after rose, while she was... well, not even a wallflower, more like a climbing ivy of some sort.  
  
Eventually, her Geometry was finished, and there were no more homework assignments to use as a handy way to minimize thinking about her life. She found herself playing on the internet, checking the scheduled episodes of a few television programs, sending a couple emails to some of her online friends, and essentially just killing time.  
  
By the time eleven rolled around, she had changed into the oversized shirt that served as a nightgown. She had given up on hearing anything from Buffy or Xander, certain that they would be too busy thinking about Ford. Her night would be quiet, uninterrupted. She could just surf the internet in peace... A cup of coffee sat cooling beside her computer.  
  
The forceful rapid tapping at her door made her jump, and there was a high pitched squeak that she had to admit had come from her. A moment of blankness preceded the realization that someone was knocking on her door. Her curiosity surged, and she walked over, opening the door.  
  
Angel was standing on her doorstep.  
  
She blinked, for a moment certain that she as seeing things. Angel was still there. "ummm hi."  
  
"Can I come in?" He sounded tense, and slightly worried.  
  
Willow stepped back, gesturing an invitation. Words were failing her as she wondered what could have him so worried.  
  
There was a hint of sadness with the next words. "I need a little more than that."  
  
A little... then it clicked in her mind. Vampires needed a spoken invitation to enter a dwelling. Angel needed her to actually say the words. "I invite you. To come into my house."  
  
He gave a small smile as he walked in, one that said he hadn't quite expected an invitation. "I need your help."  
  
"What do you need? I mean, normally people want help with their homework, but I don't think you would need that, because you're too old... I mean smart... I ... umm... what do you need?" She was feeling tongue-tied and embarrassed, and then she noticed a few things that she had left on the bed that she didn't want Angel to see... like her bra. Darting ahead, she grabbed the offending, or embarrassing items, and stuffed them under her pillow.  
  
Angel shifted a bit, as if... could Angel be nervous? "I need you to look something up for me. On the computer."  
  
Relief flooded through Willow. This was something simple, something that she should be able to do. "Oh, I can do that. I am so the net-girl." She had settled back at her computer and opened a new browser window before she realized something. "umm, Angel? What am I supposed to be looking for?"  
  
"That new guy, Ford. What do we know about him? I have a feeling..." His voice trailed off.  
  
She felt a small something, like an unacknowledged hope crumble inside, and a tiny part of her wondered why. "Okay... that shouldn't be too difficult. Buffy said that he was transferring to our school, so if I just start there, they should have all his school records..."  
  
For a few moments, her room held only quiet, the soft whirr of her computer and the gurgling of her fish tank the only noise. But something wasn't right, the school didn't have any records on Ford, or Billy Fordham, or William Fordham, or Fordham, W. or anything even similar. Neither did the other school nearby. Why would he say he was transferring in and not have any records with either school? "umm, Angel? If I say something you don't like, promise not to bite me?"  
  
She could feel his eyes on her, even though he didn't reflect in the monitor. "I promise."  
  
"I can't find him anywhere. There's no records on him with the school, and nobody with that last name has recently acquired property in the area." Her voice was trembling a bit, why was her voice shaking? She wasn't afraid of Angel.  
  
"Nothing? Nothing at all? That's suspicious all by itself." Angel's voice sounded unhappy.  
  
"Willow? I hear voices, you don't have someone in there, do you?" Her mother's voice, like a sign of impending doom, echoed slightly in the hallway.  
  
Willow felt definite fear go through her. She wasn't supposed to have boys in her room, and if her mom found her in here with Angel... It wouldn't be a pretty sight. She couldn't let that happen. Looking at Angel, she whispered. "You have to go now! Before she finds you in here. I'll try a few more spots, see if I can find anything... go." Then, facing the door that connected her room to the rest of the house, she called in a louder voice "No mom, everything's just fine. I had the television on."  
  
She looked back over where Angel had been, but he was gone. Vanished into the night.  
  
end Can you afFord... 


	7. A Cup of Jealousy

A Cup of Jealousy  
  
Author: Lucinda  
rating: pg  
main characters: Willow, Angel  
disclaimer: I do not own them  
distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.  
spoilers for S2 episode Lie to Me  
  
  
Angel had been quite certain that this Ford guy was trouble. He was up to something, and it could only be trouble. He ignored a little voice that whispered that maybe he was just jealous, worried that Buffy would turn away from him to be with this... mortal boy. A little voice that had whispered that his foreboding was simple jealousy.  
  
Which was why he had gone to visit Willow, in hopes that she would find something. Evidence that would tell him if he was just jealous of the boy called Ford or if there was actually some sort of problem, some threat. He had expected... well, maybe he should just give up trying to predict Willow. She had invited him into her room without hesitation. She'd been more worried about being caught 'with a boy in her room' than the fact that he was a vampire. Despite the fact that she was wearing some sort of oversized shirt, clearly dressed for bed, Willow had taken his word that he would behave.  
  
Willow had found an astonishing lack of information, as if Ford didn't exist, at least, not in Sunnydale. Clearly, this was proof that he was up to no good. That annoying voice still whispered that Ford's presence burned due to jealousy.  
  
Maybe that annoying whisper was his demon, trying to taunt him.  
  
He had felt incredibly smug when it had been discovered that Ford and his friends had set up some underground club full of vampire wanna-be's. He had felt like pointing and shouting 'aha! I knew it!' but he hadn't. Instead, he had managed to suggest they go check the club out, to make sure there was no serious danger. To show Buffy how bad for her this Ford would be. Not that he had actually mentioned that part...  
  
He wasn't quite certain how it had ended up that Willow and Xander were also going to check out this club. Buffy was leading the way down the stairs, Xander close on her heels, as if by being near her, he could win her interest. Annoying boy... And then there was Willow, her hair shining among all the dark dyed people or gleaming gold, making her stand out. She was talking, her voice that almost serious tone that meant she was considering something truly unusual, some detail that everyone else ignored.  
  
"... do they really stick out? I mean, have you ever looked at a thumb and said 'wow, that's really sore'?" She was trying to puzzle out sore thumbs.  
  
Maybe she was genuinely... no, Willow was always curious about some of the most bizarre things. But was she simply babbling, or was she trying to keep the mood from being tense? He could feel it radiating from Xander and Buffy, although he wasn't certain if it was the club, Ford's involvement, or something else entirely.  
  
Buffy was looking around, with something almost like admiration on her face. Angel could feel an unpleasant sensation churning in his stomach, jealousy, perhaps? But why did she seem so interested? They had this huge room, with everything decorated in dark and neo-gothic, with people trailing around in dark clothing and powdered faces... it was ridiculous.  
  
There was this girl coming up to talk to Buffy, a girl with long pale hair dressed in this flowing dark thing with gauzy layers. She was talking about 'the lonely ones' and it took him a few moments to realize that she meant vampires.  
  
Vampires weren't pale tragic victims, people who trailed around in the darkness, bemoaning their long existences. Vampires dealt in death and mayhem, sex and violence and blood. If she ever met a real vampire, this pale girl would be a victim, and she would see just how wrong she really was. He remembered how vampires looked for victims, and she was just... practically begging for some vampire to kill her.  
  
Looking around at the sea of people, they all seemed to fall into the same category. Lost souls blindly seeking oblivion, under the delusion that they would become eternal. They were a herd of fools. It annoyed him, on many levels, especially since Buffy seemed so interested in everything. Willow was looking around, her eyes taking in details, but without the same appearance of fascination that Buffy was showing.  
  
"These people don't know anything about vampires. They don't know how they act, how they talk, how they dress..." His angry words trailed off as he noticed all three of the teens looking at something behind his shoulder. Giving in to the impulse, he looked behind him.  
  
One of the club patrons stood there, a glass of beer in his hand, wearing an outfit identical to his own. He had the dark slacks that made no sounds when trying to move quietly, the shimmering red shirt was a twin to the one that Angel had chosen because it reminded him of blood in the moonlight, not that he would admit that to anyone. He even had short dark hair.  
  
Ouch. So much for no clue how vampires dressed.  
  
Angel stayed quiet after that, trying to figure out exactly what was wrong here. Just looking at the surface,he could make a lengthy list, but... his instincts, his demon was screaming that there was something else, something deeper. There was something rotten at the core of this, and there were only three people that it could be connected to. The three people who had organized this little escape from reality; the blonde Chanterelle, a dark eyed young man called Diego, or Ford. He guessed it was Ford or Diego, the girl seemed to truly believe the whole tragic mythos of the vampire.  
  
But how could he try to convey the idea that there was a deeper problem without sounding like he was just being jealous? If he told Buffy, she would dismiss it as jealousy of Ford, and look no further into things. While he was jealous, there was still something here, something wrong.  
  
The solution came to him like a bolt of lightning, or one of those giant anvils from the old cartoons that Willow had mentioned. He didn't have to share his suspicion with Buffy, he could tell Willow. After all, most of the research was accomplished by Willow or Giles, not Buffy. Even if Willow thought he was being jealous, she would still look into the matter. They would be able to get to the bottom of this.  
  
He followed her as they left the club, anger welling up as both Buffy and Xander left Willow to walk home by herself, with only whatever feeble defense she could muster and the hope of passing unnoticed between her and death. He followed her for several blocks, catching the scent of nervousness bordering on fear that flowed from her.  
  
Reaching out, his fingertips brushing her elbow as she walked. She jumped, a startled gasp emerging as she spun around, looking wide eyed for the source of the contact.  
  
"It's only me. Remember, I promised to behave." He tried to smile, hoping to calm her.  
  
She nodded, her pulse still racing. "I remember. I just... I figured you would have followed Buffy."  
  
"I needed to talk to you. About the club... there's something not right there. Maybe we can figure it out." He tried to ignore the voice inside that whispered if he removed Ford, the problem would be over. Ford was human, he'd given up killing humans.  
  
With a nod, Willow agreed, her eyes alight with enthusiasm. "I can try... I did get a previous city from them, in the club." Her words were punctuated by a fluttering gesture, vaguely towards the club that they had spent the past hour inside. "Maybe... well, it would take too long for school records, but I can check for a police file, and maybe check for anything medical..." Willow's mind was off, racing over possibilities.  
  
The walk back to her house was almost comfortable, and she gestured for him to come in, a small smile on her face as she murmured "My parents are away today, you won't have to leave in such a rush."  
  
He got them both coffee, brewed strong and rich in the kitchen, and they drank it as Willow did strange things with the computer, causing it to open information to her questing eyes that he had the certain feeling she wasn't supposed to be able to access. Most of it was fruitless, time spent chasing shadows and illusions.  
  
Then Willow found something interesting. She finally hacked into the right hospital, and got his medical record, at least, most of it. Peering over her shoulder, Angel frowned, trying to make sense out of the astonishing long words. It was a very long file, with many entries recently. Then, he found a few words that he could understand all too easily. Cancer. Inoperable. Life Expectancy.  
  
Ford was going to die in less than six months. Slowly, withering away in horrible pain.  
  
In those stunned moments of silence, it became perfectly, horribly clear what the taint about the club was. Not the sense of hopeless unreality that filled the teenagers inside. No, it was the stench of death, of betrayal and a desire for something so powerful that Ford would pay any price, make any sacrifice. Ford was afraid of dying, and wanted to become a vampire, to become eternal.  
  
"They're bait. All those creepy, sad people in their dark clothing and pale make-up are bait." Willow's horrified whisper summed things up perfectly.  
  
Angel shook his head, certain that there had to be something else. "I can see how it would attract vampires, the people would be easy prey. But there has to be something else, something else that he could offer in exchange for forever. But what could some teen offer a vampire?"  
  
"buffy." Willow's voice wasn't even loud enough to be a whisper. Angel almost missed it, and he was right behind her, the heat of her body warming his chest.  
  
Jealousy reared itself again, mixed with fear. "What about Buffy?"  
  
Willow turned in her seat, her eyes filled with dread. "Ford knows that Buffy is the Slayer. If he could promise some vampire the slayer, alone and not expecting trouble..."  
  
Angel sank, attempting to sit down, realizing belatedly that there was no chair. "That... that would probably do it. What can we... we'll have to be ready. If he's done any research on the situation, he'll approach Spike. Spike's main weakness is Dru. Make sure Buffy knows that. She won't think you're just being jealous."  
  
There was something shadowing Willow's eyes as she spoke. "Are you jealous?"   
  
He owed Willow the truth. That meant there was only one possible answer. "I shouldn't be jealous. But I am."  
  
end a Cup of Jealousy. 


	8. Thoughts of History

Thoughts of History  
  
Author: Lucinda  
rating: pg  
Coffee & Thoughts #8  
main characters: Willow, Angel  
disclaimer: I do not own them  
distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.  
spoilers for S2 episode the Dark Age (with Eyghon)  
  
  
  
History class had left Willow full of troubled thoughts. How much of the things that she saw around her would one day be considered history, considered important? Would somebody, in the distant or not quite so distant future wish hat they had been around in this time, able to live now, experience the things in her lifetime?  
  
How much more intense would it be to have centuries to observe the changes in the world? To have seen the change from horse and carts to steam engines and cars, to have seen the beginnings of flight? To have seen how much new discoveries had changed the world? To have forever to learn and observe? Maybe Angel would know, could explain. He'd been there, had seen the world change around him.  
  
Willow was frowning a bit as she tried to consider it. How do you ask someone what it's like to see centuries? Especially someone that's well, not quite touchy about his age, but about the reason why he could be so old? Not that Angel was old, really, but he'd been around a while, which was sort of old, but not quite the same.  
  
"I brought you some coffee Willow."  
  
Angel's voice dragged her back to the present, and she smiled at him. With one hand, she pulled the coffee close, the other tucking her hair behind her ear. She could feel herself blushing. "Thanks Angel."  
  
He gave her a small smile, one that looked almost wistful. "What were you thinking about with such a serious look? This week's crisis? A crush?"  
  
"Not exactly, although if you keep that up I will be... umm... Sort of thinking about history. Wondering what will be considered the big changes in a hundred years, and umm... I was sort of wondering what it would be like to be around for some of the major changes, like from horses to cars, and the whole flying thing, and... well, a lot of thoughts." She knew that she was blushing again, and she'd babbled. Willow almost wished the grouond would open up and swallow her, but this was the hellmouth, it might actually happen.  
  
"Hopefully that's all hypothetical?" He looked almost as if... could Angel be worried about her?  
  
"Promise, I wasn't planning on anything more sinister than discovering a few medical miracles to delay old age. But... we were talking today in history class about how rapidly things have changed, and it got me thinking, and... well, it would be neat to see how things changed, you know? I mean..." Her words faltered, especially since Angel did know. He'd seen things change.  
  
"You could, if you took the time to work on it. I've seen what you can do when you have to work fast. I think you could do just about anything... Umm... maybe you'd like... I have a few... family heirlooms, we could go to my place and talk about history?"  
  
Willow liked that idea, and so they were headed towards Angel's apartment after coffee when Buffy found them, her face pale. "We have a problem, I need you both to come to the library."  
  
"What sort of problem?" Angel's voice was almost blank, as if all the emotions and vitality that he'd shown mere moments before were gone, banished from the presence of Buffy. It was sort of creepy.  
  
"Giles has some sort of weird stalker, only... it seems... umm... it was a dead body." Buffy sounded very worried, and almost like she was freaking out.  
  
Willow sighed, part of her mind feeling cheated at the chance to talk about history with Angel, someone who had actually been there, vanished. There was always some crisis thwarting plans in Sunnydale...  
  
She found herself drafted into researching some weird tattoo from the arm of the dead man, which was just... icky. Then, she found the information at just about the time that Buffy came back all wiggy about Giles having a tattoo, the very same one that was on the dead man. And the dead man had been a college chum of their very shaken Giles. Willow had the feeling that this was awkward and only going to get worse.  
  
Things got a bit more interesting when Xander found the picture of a younger Giles. Wearing faded jeans and a leather coat, playing a guitar in what could only be some club. Willow could almost smell the smoke in the air. "Wow... that's unexpected."  
  
When the truth, or at least, part of the truth came tumbling out, she was shocked, but almost not surprised. Giles had a youthful rebellion... He'd played his guitar in clubs like the Beatles had done... and He'd fallen into a 'bad group' and 'dabbled in dark arts, far darker than we knew'. Giles had a few skeletons in his closets, and one of them had come out to play.  
  
Willow just sighed, part of her thinking that it was almost predictable for the Hellmouth. Someone had something dark and spooky in their past, and it came back to try to eat them. At least it wasn't the possible end of the world... at least, she hoped not.  
  
The idea made her shiver. What if... if Giles and Buffy had both had things from their pasts show up to cause problems, who could be next? And while she was being incredibly freaked out and nervous, how exactly did you stop a demon that had no body and could only exist on this plane if it was possessing a body? A demon that could possess a corpse if nobody alive was close enough. A demon that could possess a corpse... Hmmm.  
  
"What made it go away before? How did you get rid of it?" Please, let there be an answer... Willow had a plan trying to take shape. If it would work, they could get rid of this Eyghon demon. And her plan hinged on Angel.  
  
end Thoughts of History. 


	9. More Than A Demon

More Than a Demon  
  
Author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg 13  
  
Coffee & Thoughts #9  
  
main characters: Willow, Angel  
  
disclaimer: I do not own them  
  
distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.  
  
spoilers for S2 episode the Dark Age (with Eyghon)  
  
  
  
  
  
He still had no idea how she'd come up with the plan. It had been crazy, appalling, and gut wrenching, both to contemplate and to actually use. But it had worked.  
  
He'd choked Jenny Calendar, convincing the demon inside her that she was about to die, undoubtedly half convincing the others of the same thing. That he'd snapped, gone to the dark side, and been about to kill their teacher, Giles' girlfriend. He could have, with just a bit more pressure, or if he'd given in to the temptation to taste the blood that had been pulsing right beneath his hands...  
  
But he hadn't. He hadn't killed her, not with his hands or his teeth. The demon Eyghon had left her body, forcing it's way into his. It had left him feeling invaded, violated in a manner that left him feeling remarkably dirty, as if he needed a shower inside. But his own demon, the demon that made him a vampire, had fought Eyghon, forcing the intruder out, causing Eyghon to dissipate, banished from this world.  
  
The looks on their faces, in their eyes... They'd seen him as a monster, a demon. As a ruthless killer who would have killed their new mentor. The fear had been almost sweet... Even Buffy had been afraid. He shuddered, hating the urges and instincts that set him apart from everyone else.  
  
"Do you think coffee would help?" Willow's voice was soft, and from just a bit behind him. He could smell the coffee, steaming with just a hint of cinnamon.  
  
He made a small shrug, uncertain how coffee would help. He felt violated, unclean. Not only that, but the way they had been so afraid... it had hurt. "Not afraid I'll bite? Or maybe I could choke you too..."  
  
"I'm sorry Angel. I just... I couldn't think of anything else that might work." Willow sat beside him, holding a cup of coffee in each hand. "And I'm not afraid to sit here with you."  
  
"You were afraid earlier." He wondered why she'd even come looking for him.  
  
Willow sighed. "I suppose I was. But it wasn't you.. well, mostly not. I think just about anybody kicking through the wall would have been a bit scary. You can be pretty intimidating, Angel. But... I trust you."  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't. I could have killed her, or Eyghon could have possessed me..." He let the words trail off, brooding over the events again.  
  
Willow turned, looking at him, her eyes dark with emotions. "Angel, I have faith in you. You.. both parts of you are too strong to let some sleep walking demon thing take you over. And maybe it's too crowded anyhow. But you aren't the sort to just let go and let some ugly thing take over and push you around."  
  
He sipped at the coffee, wincing a bit at the bitter flavor. "It wouldn't have had to be by choking her. It was... I could feel the blood, Willow. You have no idea how tempting it can be."  
  
"That's where the trust comes in. I trust you not to hurt me, not to hurt us." She was smiling at him, her face so open, so easy to read... except that Willow's emotions were't simple.  
  
"Maybe it's a mistake to trust me. You weren't the only person who was afraid. Buffy..." He sipped again at the coffee, feeling the cinnamon and bitterness flow down his throat. He probably shouldn't be drinking the coffee, it could make him sick. "Buffy was afraid of me tonight."  
  
"Xander doesn't think I should trust you either. But I do." Willow moved back, sitting beside him, her body almost touching his. "Buffy was pretty upset about the whole thing. Ethan tried to make her into demon bait... Giles has a dark past that none of us expected... Everything's been turned upside down for her. I think... I hope that once she's had a little time to sort through tonight, she'll be okay."  
  
He closed his eyes, his attention caught by Willow's heartbeat, a hint of vanilla and apples over her own personal scent... she smelled like she would be delicious. But she was his friend, and that would make it wrong, not to mention it would be wrong to feed from humans at all. She trusted him. Had anyone else had so much faith in him before?  
  
Opening his eyes, he looked at her, offering a faint smile. "I hope you're right. And... thank you."  
  
"For what?" Her voice held confusion.  
  
Angel put an arm around her, giving a careful hug to avoid spilling either hot cup of coffee. "For trusting me. For looking at me and seeing more than a demon. For being... for being a friend. I don't... I don't have very many of those."  
  
"Neither do I, Angel. And you're welcome." Her smile was bright, and tears glimmered in her eyes. "I don't have nearly enough friends to let one of them go away all hurt and upset."  
  
Something inside of Angel shifted, almost like a small pile of stones sliding a bit, and he felt almost warm. She counted him among her friends... He had no idea how to react to that. So he just sat there, one arm around her, slowly drinking coffee. He felt a lot better now.  
  
end Coffee and Thoughts 9: More than a Demon. 


	10. A Foul Taste

Coffee & Thoughts 10: A Sour Taste  
  
Author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg 13  
  
Coffee & Thoughts #10  
  
main characters: Willow, Angel  
  
disclaimer: I do not own them  
  
distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.  
  
spoilers for S2 episode 'Bad Eggs'  
  
  
  
  
  
Willow sat on the Merry-Go-Round, her knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Practical parenting, he said. It will teach you responsibility and a degree of caution. Ha. They'd been given what Giles had identified as Bezoar eggs, hatching mind-controlling spawn that had taken over the students, trying to make them unbury Mama Bezoar.  
  
She felt violated.  
  
It wasn't something that she could talk to anyone about. Buffy and Xander hadn't been controlled, although she wasn't quite certain why they had both escaped when she'd fallen prey to the Bezoar-Baby's mind control. They hadn't gone through it, they wouldn't understand. And her parents... she could just imagine how that would go. 'Mom, I was controlled by this sort of parasitic baby demon that got sent home from Health class...' Right. Her dad would make vague noises to show that he was pretending to listen, possibly with a 'is that so?' thrown in. Her mother would make this clucking noise, before going on about teenagers trying just about anything to try to attract attention...  
  
"It isn't exactly safe to be out here alone." Angel's voice held no accusation, just hints of worry. He sat down beside her, almost but not quite touching. "What's wrong? I know that you've been crying."  
  
She looked at him, her eyes still scratchy from her tears of pain and confusion. "I couldn't go be sociable. Not after..."  
  
"After the Bezoar?" He looked at her, his dark eyes full of sympathy.  
  
"Yeah. It was horrible." She shifted slightly, leaning against Angel, wanting to feel safer, wanting to know that someone was there for her. "I still knew what was happening. I could see everything, knew what was going on, but I wasn't in control, my body was doing things and I couldn't make it stop. I attacked Xander! He's been my friend for most of my life, and I hit him with a shovel."  
  
"It was the Bezoar, not you, Willow." His voice was soothing. "Although... hitting Xander is something that I can understand. As a little secret just between you and me, I've wanted to hit him on several occasions myself."  
  
That actually got a small chuckle from her. "But... it was like it was me, only... not. I feel... sort of violated, you know? I hate it, and I can't talk to Buffy or Xander, they weren't... they didn't get... They wouldn't understand."  
  
"I understand. Not just the feeling of something trying to pull your strings, but remembering yourself doing... things you wouldn't have done before. I can remember everything that Angelus did... but it wasn't... some of it wasn't things that I would have done. Especially not to my sisters... I killed them all." Angel sighed, clearly on the edge of brooding.  
  
Willow looked at him, recognizing the brooding face. "Is there a handbook? For brooding? Because I sort of wouldn't mind trying it right now."  
  
"Willow! You don't need... well, I can understand wanting to brood over that. But you can't spend the rest of your life miserable because you hit Xander with a shovel." He paused, looking as if he was thinking about what he'd just said. "Personally, I'd be smiling over that part, but... it's the loss of control that's got you."  
  
"You and Xander have issues." She actually smiled, feeling a bit better. "Does it get any easier? Dealing with the knowledge that I just... that you just did something entirely ruthless and... not you?"  
  
"It takes a while. You have to let the rawness of it fade a bit, wear down the ragged edges. That's the part that hurts. But eventually... it won't be as sharp." He sighed, momentarily squeezing her in a one armed hug.  
  
Willow closed her eyes, trusting that Angel would keep her safe. "So, eventually it'll go from a gaping wound to a bruise? That's sort of good."  
  
He chuckled, his hand absently playing with her hair, brushing the side of her neck. "You don't sound very happy right now. Shall we change the subject?"  
  
"On the anything but that topic, how are things with you and Buffy?" Willow felt almost comfortable. Angel was solid and safe, and he smelled nice.  
  
"You go right for the throat, don't you?" He chuckled, the sound flowing nicely in the night air. "We're... talking again. She was jealous of Drusilla, of my... of Angelus' past with her."  
  
"Spike and Dru are both your... Angelus' Childer, right? How does that make you feel towards them? I mean, you're still... except not quite the same... umm..." She could feel herself blushing, but who else was there that he could compare his feelings for with and without the soul?  
  
"You would make a splendid inquisitor, little red. You have a knack for picking the awkward subjects. They're... on the one hand, they're everything that I... that Angelus wanted them to become. But I can't... I don't have the same values as Angel that I had as Angelus. I don't want them to kill the Slayer, I don't want to watch the streets run red with blood as the air fills with screams. So, I sort of feel responsible, feel guilty for turning them into monsters. But... at the same time... you could almost say that I'm proud of them. For doing so well, for surviving, for... for being mine." His voice was soft, as if he was afraid someone would overhear him. "They're my children, Willow. Even if I don't agree with them, even if... even if I've changed in the past century... they are my blood."  
  
"Maybe they've changed some from the pair of vampires that you remember? I mean, even if they aren't all brooding and save the earth, it's been what, eighty years? " Willow looked up at Angel, half wishing that he could have more people around that he could relate to.  
  
His fingers brushed her hair from her eyes as she smiled at her. "Spike is the same vampire that master minded the attack on your Parent-Teacher conference. He's not trying to save the world... or at least, not everybody."  
  
She found herself almost laughing. "Has he always been impatient?"  
  
Angel laughed as well, an unexpectedly pleasant sound. "Always."  
  
Somehow, Angel had managed to make everything a bit less dreadful. For that, Willow was grateful.  
  
end A Foul Taste. 


	11. A Fresh Cup

Author: Lucinda

rating: pg 13-16

Coffee & Thoughts #11

main character: Angel(us)

also featuring Buffy and Willow.

small warning - there is some B/A content.

disclaimer: I do not own them

distribution: if you have permission for the previous coffee's, yes. Otherwise ask.

spoilers for S2 episodes 'Surprise' and 'Innocence'

note: This is the last of Coffee & Thoughts.

He'd thought more about things between Buffy and himself. If they would be able to get back to where things had been before Dru had arrived, before Buffy had had so many doubts and suspicions. If she could look at him with love and confidence again. If there would come a time when she looked at him with trust. If she would allow him to be there for her, to support her in everything that she did...

But relationships weren't one of his strong points. In need of advice, he'd sought Willow. Again, he'd hoped that the delightful red head could help him figure out how and why things had happened the way they had. If she thought that he could fix things.

Willow had looked a little pained by something, but she'd talked with him. Her comment had been "You can't ever get back to last month, because time changes everything. Maybe you can rebuild trust so that it's strong again, but that would be today's relationship, not last month. Last month is gone, time goes forward. Always forward. But... if the two of you are both willing to try..."

Angel had been a bit surprised that she'd had such a philosophical answer. And it was true. Things would never be the way they were. But... maybe things could get better? Maybe at Buffy's birthday party tonight...

Willow had helped him understand that Buffy's objections to Dru had only partly been because of his past. That one of the reasons was that in the end, Buffy worried a bit. As Willow put it, Angel was a handsome guy, and handsome guys could always find someone else if they wanted. And sometimes, they had girls moving in on them, even if they didn't want. Buffy was somewhere between jealous and nervous, as Willow had explained. It had all made a surprising amount of sense, once she'd explained it.

Angel had felt rather out of place at the Birthday gathering. It wasn't that he had people he'd rather see there, or that he begrudged Buffy her friends, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling awkward, out of place. The cake and various other party snacks only seemed to taunt him with the reminder that he wasn't human, couldn't share everything with them. He even caught himself offering a little prayer – that if God could see fit to give him some excuse to slip out of this mess…

A blue hand reached up from a box, trying to choke Buffy. She gasped and struggled, eventually managing to pull away the… arm. It was just an arm and hand, large, blue, and twitching, as if it was trying to grasp and choke someone else. He just stared at it in horrified shock, a tiny corner of his mind insisting that he should know what that arm belonged to.

"That should teach me to say 'anything to get me out of here' right over the hellmouth." Willow's words were almost too soft for him to catch.

Angel looked over, offering her a tiny grin. "Both of us. It's a nice enough thing, but…" He shrugged, not quite certain how to explain without sounding either too predatory or antisocial.

"Everyone decided that it was too dangerous to go over to Willie's and wouldn't give me a lift, or I would have picked up something for you. I know that it would have been too dangerous for me to go there alone. Sorry about that." Her voice was still soft, and she looked a bit dismayed at what she clearly saw as a failure.

He smiled, feeling glad that someone had at least considered his diet. Had Buffy given that any thought? Had anyone but Willow spared a moment to think about making certain there would be something for him at this party? Since he'd given up eating party-goers? No point in dwelling on that now…

"…the arm of the Judge." Giles was staring at the arm and it's box, his expression grim.

"Maybe I should take it somewhere far away. So that Spike and Dru can't put him together." Angel spoke, certain that this was not a happy birthday for Buffy.

The rest of the night… well, Buffy caught up to him at the docks, upset at the idea that he might be leaving. He tried to explain it, to make her understand that this wasn't the way he wanted things to go, that he would be coming back. He produced the gift that he hadn't had the chance to give her, a Claddagh ring.

But then Spike's minions had attacked them, managing to take the box and throw Buffy into the ocean. He'd gone after Buffy, more worried about her than the arm. Surely they couldn't have all the pieces together?

She'd been shaken, wet and bleeding when he pulled her from the water. Angel had carried Buffy to his apartment, thinking to tend her wounds, help her get warm again… and somehow, they'd ended up sleeping together. Well… there hadn't been much sleep at first. He'd felt like she was trying to lay siege to him, all demanding and aggressive… Almost like a vampire. He'd felt himself responding, almost craving the force she was offering. It had been so long…

How might things have been different if she hadn't pushed him away when he'd nibbled on her neck? If she hadn't rejected that intimacy after permitting… demanding so many others? If she'd been willing to accept all of him? That rejection hurt, stabbing deeply into him, and he felt something inside start to crumble…

He jerked awake, feeling his muscles trembling in the aftermath of his fading dream. Something about fire, and a large figure walking through it? But what…. The Judge. Spike and Dru had been gathering the Judge together… How could his childer be so foolish? The Judge sought to destroy humanity… to destroy humans. What would they eat if there were no more humans? Where would new vampires come from? He had to stop them before everything went to hell.

Wincing, he disentangled himself from Buffy. She refused to accept all of him, trying to deny what he was. She only wanted bits and pieces… the handsome human face, the superior strength and ability to help her patrol… But she wasn't willing to accept all of him, all of his needs and limits. That would never work… why had he persisted in chasing her, chasing her partial acceptance? She might be pretty, but a pretty face wasn't worth that much pain and misery.

Pain stabbed through him, burning agony that flared, starting in his back, his hips. He lurched from the bed, managing to pull on a pair of pants, grabbing a shirt as he staggered from the apartment. His body burned, he felt a chaotic swirling of emotions, sensations… Spike hurt, his childe was in pain… He collapsed to the ground, gasping as something inside him tore, leaving him breathless with pain and hunger.

The next thing he was clear on, he was standing again, a woman's fallen body at his feet. He could still taste her blood in his mouth, the flavor far better than what he'd been drinking, the confusion and fear and despair almost compensating for the flavor of disease that would have killed her. What was it called? Cancer? The woman had already been dying, but…

But he had only the barest memory of killing her. Where was his control? He was Angelus, childe of Darla, not some new risen fledgeling! Wait…. Angelus? After a moment's contemplation, he realized that something inside had changed. The crushing guilt was lifted, a bare shadow of itself, and the confusion and turmoil that had oppressed him was gone. He could think clearly again.

First things first, after all. Prevent Spike and Dru from assembling the Judge. Find out what had happened to Spike and fix it… wait, hadn't he been in a wheelchair? What had happened…. The memory stirred, being dragged out of a collapsing church by Buffy… Feeling his childer still inside. That must have caused it. But he would still have to fix it, Spike was his childe. Avoid Buffy.

The thought of Buffy and her rejection led his thoughts to another mortal girl that he'd been thinking about a lot lately. Willow. A young woman that had not tried to deny what he was, someone that had not tried to have him deny his past. She'd asked him about his childer, not in the way that Giles had, of hoping to understand a threat, but about how he felt. If he still worried about them. She didn't try to deny that he was a vampire.

Oh yes… Willow. The closest that he'd had to a friend in a long, long time. And now that he was himself again, maybe… Maybe things would be a bit different? Hmmm… he could send an arm to the Council of Watchers… maybe it would choke some of them. Once he sorted out a few of his family matters…

He was going to set about fixing a few things here. Including this horrible diet he'd been living on, and the whole… thing with Buffy. Angelus shuddered, wondering if those wretched Gypsies had put in an insanity clause somewhere. Buffy… what had he been thinking, getting involved with her?

End A Fresh Cup.

End Coffee & Thoughts.


End file.
